Every year, we have a little holiday on October 31 called Halloween. It’s a day where people dress up in costumes and collect candy for no reason. It gives mirth and merriment to many people across the world. There’s no denying its popularity.
I’m here to voice my dissenting opinion. I’m not a fan of Halloween. I never was and I probably never will be. Let me lay my case out for you with 7 arguments:
1. There’s pressure to find the right costume.
Halloween always sneaks up on me. I think it sneaks up on a lot of people. The pressure to find a costume usually consumes people for the week leading up to Halloween. Once you finally decide that you’re going to go to the Halloween store to get a costume, guess what? The only costumes left are 4 sizes too small or are some kind of sexy nurse outfit. Lame.
2. Kids are rude these days.
Yeah, you read that right. Kids are snotty little brats now who don’t politely say “Trick or Treat” anymore like we used to. I’ve had kids come up to my house with no costume on, open their bag, and expect candy from me. Get out of here, kid! If you want to candy, you have to play by the rules. Rule #1 is DRESS UP. That’s the only rule. I’m even a little liberal on the saying “Trick or Treat” if the kid looks excited enough for candy. But these mopey kids with no costumes coming up to my house expecting me to hand them out candy that I spent my HARD EARNED MONEY ON?! Nah, dude.
Those are my teeth. They were decimated by years of trick or treat candy and eating excess candy that wasn’t given away. You see that silver tooth on the left? The one behind it that looks unscathed is also fake. I have so many cavities that I basically bought my dentist his house. I think the years and years of Halloween candy abuse caught up with my mouth, and there is no going back.
4. It’s usually pretty cold.
It’s cold during Halloween in most places. If you have the most awesome costume you can imagine, you usually have to bundle up over it, thus rendering your costume useless. Or you could bundle up under it, also rendering your costume useless. As Jerry Seinfeld stated on the subject, “I don’t recall Superman wearing a coat.”
5. People get too into it.
I remember when I was a kid, I’d go up to certain houses and the owner of a house would jump out at trick or treaters in a scary costume. That was no fun at all for me as a little kid. I can’t imagine it being fun as an adult running around screaming at little kids, trying to get them to poop in their costumes. Chill out, everybody. It’s cool to decorate and get into it, but it’s a little overkill when you end up chasing a 6-year-old down the street with a fake chainsaw.
6. If you don’t wear a costume, you get ridiculed.
You don’t quite know the vitriol that comes with not wearing a Halloween costume until you do it. “What are you doing? Don’t you know what day it is?” People will legitimately get angry with you and ask you to leave their party. It doesn’t matter if you explain that you couldn’t find a costume anywhere. It doesn’t matter if you tell them that you’d rather wear no costume than a half-assed one. They hate you and your friendship will be ruined for at least a little while. You’re the outsider on Halloween because you aren’t dressed like a bumblebee. Yet EVERY OTHER DAY THAT YOU WANT TO DRESS LIKE A BUMBLEBEE, YOU’RE A CRAZY PERSON! Real mature, guys.
7. You get stuck with crappy candy.
If you get a big old batch of Halloween candy, you usually also end up getting a bunch of horrible candy. You eat the good candy and then your mom would yell at you and ask you, “Why aren’t you eating the Whoppers?” I’ll tell you why, mom. Whoppers suck. They are by far the worst candy in existence. And I would always get stuck with 16 pounds of them. I think I’d rather eat the candy that you thought people put razors in (remember that?) than Whoppers.
There are many other reasons why Halloween is awful, but I don’t have time to name them all. So, just take this as a starter guide on why Halloween needs to just leave me alone. If you enjoy it, more power to you. Just let me be a miser, okay? Haters always gotta hate.